Credit Card Reward Gifts are a grown-up's version of the shitty prizes you can win after getting 20,000 tickets at an arcade at the boardwalk. It is the same basic premise as when you were a kid. You can't believe they have an entire eatery set for 8,000 tickets until you get it home and realize KitchenAid isn't spelled with two N's, half the plates are cracked in no less than three pieces, and the odd smell which seems to have perfumed your entire room is emanating from the smokey gloss which coats everything you are suppose to eat off. The difference is instead of spending $100 on skeeball, to get enough tickets, to buy a spider ring; you're spending $5,000 on a ring, to get a gift card, to play skeeball.
The worst part is 98% of the crap they have on Credit Card Reward Websites are rated 3 Stars or below on Amazon! I know I speak for most people when I say that most of my views on life, personal and political alike, come from the comments section on the world's prime online shopping site. And it's a flawed logic! When comparing two products, if one has a 5 rating with three reviews and the other has a 4.3 with two hundred and seventeen lots of people would go with the 4.3 rated product; but my brain doesn't work like that.
I start to think about the 1/8 of the people that did not have a good experience with the product. What's wrong with it? Does it not warm-up quick enough? Is it lacking in the horsepower department? Can it keep vegetables crisp? There is something inherently wrong with this product which is making these people not 100% satisfied with their purchase; and that bugs me.
The other product, however, is infallible in the eyes of the Amazon Gods. It has a rating of 5. In the eyes of the consumer this is quintessentially perfect. The people that bought this product found themselves in cloud of elation which preoccupied their lives and made them unable to even write an additional positive review. Perhaps they felt it would be a sign of disrespect to the producers of this miraculous product to rate it merely a 5! If only Amazon had a reclassification option which allowed the products deemed worthy to be likened to the Greek Gods of their ability. Sadly, that wouldn't work. You can't change history; you can't rename Gods.
So now I'm stuck choosing between a four-cup rice cooker or a heavy-duty bench grinder. I don't need either, but it beats a lousy Chinese finger trap.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Saturday, February 13, 2010
O Canada, O Baby!
The 2010 Winter Olympic Games are upon us! Dating back to a time when no one cared about other countries because it took 4 weeks to cross the Atlantic by ship, the Winter Olympic Games started because skiers wanted to feel important in the world of sports and pervy guys needed underage girls to oogle while gymnastics was on a 4 year hiatus between Summer Games. This year games are in Vancouver, Canada; famous for movies without big enough budgets to film in real cities like Chicago or New York City.
As always, the games start with the Opening Ceremonies. I watched the entire 4 hour broadcast diligently so you could spare yourself from the globalizing peace & unity the games represent and continue to watch re-runs of Two and a Half Men on TBS, because as Americans, we love Charlie Sheen and the guy that played Ducky. Below I have the SparksNotes version of the Opening Ceremony so you can talk about it with your friends and not feel like an idiot because you chose to watch a game show hosted by Howie Mandel instead of a major world sporting event held once every 4 years.
- Costing between $60 and $70 million dollars Canadian, the opening ceremonies displayed beautiful representations of the Canadian country side on elevated screens and a giant LCD pad laying on the floor of the arena. Feeling the overall sense of goodwill the games produce, the American team rummaged through their pockets and were able to scrounge up $14.17 which, when translated, covered roughly half the production costs.
- The introductions of the nations start with Greece, where the first Olympic games were held in the day when wrestling another man naked was sport, and taking him behind the bushes for a time of "contemplative quiet study" was common practice of the guys we base most of our ethical beliefs on.
- The Pakistani team is introduced and, sadly, it is announced the biathlon team was disqualified from competition after using RPGs instead of rifles during practice earlier in the day.
- After all the Olympians reach their seats, the show begins with a metaphoric retelling of the history of Canada complete with Inuits, stunning light production, and the Canadian Robosaurus popping out of the ground to showcase Canada's love for monster trucks shaped like bears that breathe fire and devour cars.
- NBC is going to take this inopportune time in the broadcast to cut to commercial. The first of many times they will do this. Hey, is that Michael Phelps? Well, he's vaguely relevant again, let's milk this for all its worth. U-S-A! U-S-A!
- And we're back! The stage is now set for a weird dance-off between rival tattooed vampire clans. I got distracted during the 5 minute tap solo by a peculiarly dressed mohawked man and wondered, "Where the hell is Nickelback? Aren't they Canadian?"
- The next section stars a recent Canadian clown school graduate. Majored in juggling with a minor in oversized hats, this young man was a stand out among his class of 200 students; all of which are in attendance tonight; not-surprisingly, all riding in the same car.
- Boo YA! And now some SLAM POETRY for yo' ass... by a fat, white guy... Def Comedy Jam was unreachable for comment at the time of this publication.
- Please rise for the Olympic Hymn! Bust out the timpanis and warm up the horn section, this place is about to get nutty... What the? I've never heard this song before. And there are words to this supposedly famous Olympic Hymn as well. At least I don't feel bad because everyone else looks as lost as I am.
- The end of the ceremony arrives and who other than hockey legend Wayne Gretzky to light the Olympic Torch...
- Still waiting patiently. Waiting for The Great One, Wayne Gretzky, who will light the Olympic Torch in mere moments...
- Awkwardly stirring, three time Olympic hockey veteran Wayne Gretzky is awaiting his chance to become immortalized in Olympic history as he lights the ceremonial torch...
- Due to technical difficulties, it is sad to report, Canada has proven once again, to only qualify in the world's eye as 3/4 of a nation.
As always, the games start with the Opening Ceremonies. I watched the entire 4 hour broadcast diligently so you could spare yourself from the globalizing peace & unity the games represent and continue to watch re-runs of Two and a Half Men on TBS, because as Americans, we love Charlie Sheen and the guy that played Ducky. Below I have the SparksNotes version of the Opening Ceremony so you can talk about it with your friends and not feel like an idiot because you chose to watch a game show hosted by Howie Mandel instead of a major world sporting event held once every 4 years.
- Costing between $60 and $70 million dollars Canadian, the opening ceremonies displayed beautiful representations of the Canadian country side on elevated screens and a giant LCD pad laying on the floor of the arena. Feeling the overall sense of goodwill the games produce, the American team rummaged through their pockets and were able to scrounge up $14.17 which, when translated, covered roughly half the production costs.
- The introductions of the nations start with Greece, where the first Olympic games were held in the day when wrestling another man naked was sport, and taking him behind the bushes for a time of "contemplative quiet study" was common practice of the guys we base most of our ethical beliefs on.
- The Pakistani team is introduced and, sadly, it is announced the biathlon team was disqualified from competition after using RPGs instead of rifles during practice earlier in the day.
- After all the Olympians reach their seats, the show begins with a metaphoric retelling of the history of Canada complete with Inuits, stunning light production, and the Canadian Robosaurus popping out of the ground to showcase Canada's love for monster trucks shaped like bears that breathe fire and devour cars.
- NBC is going to take this inopportune time in the broadcast to cut to commercial. The first of many times they will do this. Hey, is that Michael Phelps? Well, he's vaguely relevant again, let's milk this for all its worth. U-S-A! U-S-A!
- And we're back! The stage is now set for a weird dance-off between rival tattooed vampire clans. I got distracted during the 5 minute tap solo by a peculiarly dressed mohawked man and wondered, "Where the hell is Nickelback? Aren't they Canadian?"
- The next section stars a recent Canadian clown school graduate. Majored in juggling with a minor in oversized hats, this young man was a stand out among his class of 200 students; all of which are in attendance tonight; not-surprisingly, all riding in the same car.
- Boo YA! And now some SLAM POETRY for yo' ass... by a fat, white guy... Def Comedy Jam was unreachable for comment at the time of this publication.
- Please rise for the Olympic Hymn! Bust out the timpanis and warm up the horn section, this place is about to get nutty... What the? I've never heard this song before. And there are words to this supposedly famous Olympic Hymn as well. At least I don't feel bad because everyone else looks as lost as I am.
- The end of the ceremony arrives and who other than hockey legend Wayne Gretzky to light the Olympic Torch...
- Still waiting patiently. Waiting for The Great One, Wayne Gretzky, who will light the Olympic Torch in mere moments...
- Awkwardly stirring, three time Olympic hockey veteran Wayne Gretzky is awaiting his chance to become immortalized in Olympic history as he lights the ceremonial torch...
- Due to technical difficulties, it is sad to report, Canada has proven once again, to only qualify in the world's eye as 3/4 of a nation.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I Still Feel Like a Kid
Sometimes staring at a blank page is the best inspiration for getting things done. Sometimes all it takes is the open road to make you want to drive. Sometimes you grab the full gravy boat at Thanksgiving dinner and down the entire thing in one chug because Grandma bet you it couldn't be done. Well, pay up, Grandma! And I'm sorry for the throwing up on the stuffing.
Inspiration is a funny thing. Most people need to be inspired to do something. I'm the complete opposite. I need to be bored. If I'm inspired to run a 5k in two weeks I hope to have a clear schedule because otherwise I'm going to be running like I need a lung transplant. I've never been a planner, and I'm probably not going to add that to my list of words that describe me, including but not exclusive too: smart, charming, funny, socially crippling, gun repair, and devilishly handsome, anytime soon. I shoot from the hip; making what some may call rash decisions. But sadly, science has yet to develop an ointment to magically give my id a 10 year plan.
I don't have a lot of hobbies. All the good stamps have been collected, I don't know enough about cars to put a hot rod together, and my lion tamer class expected me to provide my own lion and chair. I had the idea to buy a motorcycle late one Saturday last spring and by Thursday I bought my bike, found a gang, and got my tats, but I can only roll out with Bubba and the Gang between April and October. Then I enrolled in Grad School and instantly remember how much acadamia makes us all mindless zombies unable to have original thought. Though helpful with advancing my professional life, by all accounts and purposes, not a good hobby. I thought I was dead in the water. I mean, what is a man to do? Find the woman of his dreams, marry her, buy a house, have children and live happily ever after?
Pffff. Lame.
I can't string three sentences together in normal conversation because my mind has always worked too fast for itself. If I could get a court stenographer to follow me around and write down all the conversations I have with myself in the car before I get somewhere I wouldn't have to talk, I could just get her to read back the official record and I'd be the most romantic man on the face of the earth. Of course, I'd probably also have to hire an editor as well to string the best bits and pieces together. And a spell checker, because I'm still pretty god awful at that. But I've always been able to write.
Life is easier when you write all the dialogue. I think I found my hobby.
Inspiration is a funny thing. Most people need to be inspired to do something. I'm the complete opposite. I need to be bored. If I'm inspired to run a 5k in two weeks I hope to have a clear schedule because otherwise I'm going to be running like I need a lung transplant. I've never been a planner, and I'm probably not going to add that to my list of words that describe me, including but not exclusive too: smart, charming, funny, socially crippling, gun repair, and devilishly handsome, anytime soon. I shoot from the hip; making what some may call rash decisions. But sadly, science has yet to develop an ointment to magically give my id a 10 year plan.
I don't have a lot of hobbies. All the good stamps have been collected, I don't know enough about cars to put a hot rod together, and my lion tamer class expected me to provide my own lion and chair. I had the idea to buy a motorcycle late one Saturday last spring and by Thursday I bought my bike, found a gang, and got my tats, but I can only roll out with Bubba and the Gang between April and October. Then I enrolled in Grad School and instantly remember how much acadamia makes us all mindless zombies unable to have original thought. Though helpful with advancing my professional life, by all accounts and purposes, not a good hobby. I thought I was dead in the water. I mean, what is a man to do? Find the woman of his dreams, marry her, buy a house, have children and live happily ever after?
Pffff. Lame.
I can't string three sentences together in normal conversation because my mind has always worked too fast for itself. If I could get a court stenographer to follow me around and write down all the conversations I have with myself in the car before I get somewhere I wouldn't have to talk, I could just get her to read back the official record and I'd be the most romantic man on the face of the earth. Of course, I'd probably also have to hire an editor as well to string the best bits and pieces together. And a spell checker, because I'm still pretty god awful at that. But I've always been able to write.
Life is easier when you write all the dialogue. I think I found my hobby.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Boards
I have a friend in Medical School and in the next few weeks she has to prepare for the big test they give you after two years of doctor school. I know she was stressing so during lunch I sent her an email...
I'm pretty sure Boards are pending next month so you and your gang of future doctors are taking refuge in the library trying to prepare. I'm not too sure what Boards are so I like to let my imagination run wild on it. There was a commercial a few years ago for the Marines where it had a guy climbing a mountain and at the top was a dragon and for some reason a sword and he picked it up and slew the dragon and when the camera panned back out he was in his Marines uniform. That's kind of what I picture Boards being. Slaying a magical dragon that makes you into a Marine.
I even capitalized Boards to show it the respect I'm pretty sure it deserves. I want to create something famous and call it Boards so the medical community must think of another name for this big dragon-slaying test of theirs. Perhaps I'll create the ultimate board game, so ultimate that it requires multiple boards, more colored pieces than a crayon box, and so many dice that the ridiculous amount of dice the game comes with isn't enough and you have to steal the dice from all your other board games. It will put Monopoly, Life, and Risk to shame. And it wont take 4 hours to play a full game, but it could if you want it to. Its very fun. Its for ages 1 to 96. 97 year olds need not play Boards because they will not like it. And its not like how Candy Land is for 3 and Above and then you play it at 24 and you are reminded how f**king easy Candy Land is. Boards will evolve with you through your life.
There would be tournaments that would be televised and wars would stop when it showed. It would bring the world together in peace, until the game ended which would then erupt in a brutal nuclear war between the country that won and that which lost. Boards is a serious game to be played, but it can also be taken casually as a way to spend a quiet afternoon with your grandmother, as long as she under the age of 97. Games like football and soccer would vanish from the world's view, and video games would not longer encapsulate our youth, the entire populous would flock to Boards. And it wouldn't cause mass obesity because Boards can be as physically brutal as rock climbing a marathon, and that's not even for the advanced play settings.
Some people out there may not enjoy Boards, but they will be out casted from their families and loved ones and form a colony of people known only as "The Others" which are not spoken of while playing a game of Boards. Eventually men will roar, women will swoon, and children will laugh with glee at the one game which above all else will promote the quality of family and friendship and can also be used as a drinking game.
I'm pretty sure Boards are pending next month so you and your gang of future doctors are taking refuge in the library trying to prepare. I'm not too sure what Boards are so I like to let my imagination run wild on it. There was a commercial a few years ago for the Marines where it had a guy climbing a mountain and at the top was a dragon and for some reason a sword and he picked it up and slew the dragon and when the camera panned back out he was in his Marines uniform. That's kind of what I picture Boards being. Slaying a magical dragon that makes you into a Marine.
I even capitalized Boards to show it the respect I'm pretty sure it deserves. I want to create something famous and call it Boards so the medical community must think of another name for this big dragon-slaying test of theirs. Perhaps I'll create the ultimate board game, so ultimate that it requires multiple boards, more colored pieces than a crayon box, and so many dice that the ridiculous amount of dice the game comes with isn't enough and you have to steal the dice from all your other board games. It will put Monopoly, Life, and Risk to shame. And it wont take 4 hours to play a full game, but it could if you want it to. Its very fun. Its for ages 1 to 96. 97 year olds need not play Boards because they will not like it. And its not like how Candy Land is for 3 and Above and then you play it at 24 and you are reminded how f**king easy Candy Land is. Boards will evolve with you through your life.
There would be tournaments that would be televised and wars would stop when it showed. It would bring the world together in peace, until the game ended which would then erupt in a brutal nuclear war between the country that won and that which lost. Boards is a serious game to be played, but it can also be taken casually as a way to spend a quiet afternoon with your grandmother, as long as she under the age of 97. Games like football and soccer would vanish from the world's view, and video games would not longer encapsulate our youth, the entire populous would flock to Boards. And it wouldn't cause mass obesity because Boards can be as physically brutal as rock climbing a marathon, and that's not even for the advanced play settings.
Some people out there may not enjoy Boards, but they will be out casted from their families and loved ones and form a colony of people known only as "The Others" which are not spoken of while playing a game of Boards. Eventually men will roar, women will swoon, and children will laugh with glee at the one game which above all else will promote the quality of family and friendship and can also be used as a drinking game.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Big Change
I have a new job!
Sadly, I'll no longer be scanning documents for a living. I know this might upset a number of you out there that had paper scanning needs and thought you had an in. I'm sorry to disappoint. If it were up to me I would be there to help you out, but the world moves in odd ways and I've decide to go in a different direction. Is it a mistake to leave the glorious world of mindlessly scanning documents 8 hours a day? Yes, it is. But its a mistake I have to make for myself. In a years time I will probably look back at this post and wonder what was going through my brain that drove me to this decision.
Its no joke that since I've hit regular employment this was neglected. I hope this does not reflect on how I will care for my future children, but let's not kid ourselves, after two months kids lose their novelty and they're not really any fun until they can look after themselves and get you things from the store when you feel lazy.
May 28th I head down to Georgia until September 30th. I know I'll have access to computers and stuff and I'll try to put things up letting everyone know whats going on and still giving you what you come here for; 37 seconds of distraction.
All questions, comments, or concerns should be sent on an 8x10 of any celebrity with the first name David, written into a rap song, recorded and uploaded on a muxtape, or if you want to be boring, you can leave it in the comments section. But that's pretty lame.
Sadly, I'll no longer be scanning documents for a living. I know this might upset a number of you out there that had paper scanning needs and thought you had an in. I'm sorry to disappoint. If it were up to me I would be there to help you out, but the world moves in odd ways and I've decide to go in a different direction. Is it a mistake to leave the glorious world of mindlessly scanning documents 8 hours a day? Yes, it is. But its a mistake I have to make for myself. In a years time I will probably look back at this post and wonder what was going through my brain that drove me to this decision.
Its no joke that since I've hit regular employment this was neglected. I hope this does not reflect on how I will care for my future children, but let's not kid ourselves, after two months kids lose their novelty and they're not really any fun until they can look after themselves and get you things from the store when you feel lazy.
May 28th I head down to Georgia until September 30th. I know I'll have access to computers and stuff and I'll try to put things up letting everyone know whats going on and still giving you what you come here for; 37 seconds of distraction.
All questions, comments, or concerns should be sent on an 8x10 of any celebrity with the first name David, written into a rap song, recorded and uploaded on a muxtape, or if you want to be boring, you can leave it in the comments section. But that's pretty lame.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Cleanliness is Godliness and God is Billy Corgan.
I need to buy soap.
I put it up here for a few reasons. The first is my hope that someone will read this and then proceed to ask me if I have yet to acquire soap, to which the answer will either be to the affirmative or remind me that, I do indeed, still need to buy soap. The second is connected to the first that I really do need to buy soap. It would also be helpful to note that I am running low on shampoo as well. Picking that up while I was out buying soap would be the most effective way for me to solve both of these problems. So hopefully after someone reads this entry they will choose to ask me if I am in possession of replacement soap which would start my pilgrimage to the store to buy said soap and then, if they would have the decency, chose to wait ten minutes and call me again asking if I have picked up shampoo since, at that point, I should be in the cue at the checkout line with my soap having completely forgotten about the shampoo until the phone call which would remind me that I should make a shampoo purchase as well.
My life is a lot like the game Mouse Trap, if the marble dropping off the slide doesn't hit the level holding the diving man just right, he won't hit the cup, sending the ball doesn't the chute, knocking the pillar, and trapping the mouse. And if you're anything like me, you could never get Mouse Trap to work properly.
Hope that's not a bad sign.
Between the job, the gym, and now training Brazilian Ju-Jitsu three times a week, I've been having a hard time figuring out when to get any thoughts down on here. I seriously stand in a corner and scan documents all day with no access to internet or the outside world. I don't even have windows and normally I'm the only person in the office until 1:00 or 2:00pm. It gives me a lot of time to think but most my thoughts revolve around "why the f**k am I stuck scanning documents?!!"
I never want this to become a "This Is My Day" kind of site, so bear with me and I'll figure something out.
I put it up here for a few reasons. The first is my hope that someone will read this and then proceed to ask me if I have yet to acquire soap, to which the answer will either be to the affirmative or remind me that, I do indeed, still need to buy soap. The second is connected to the first that I really do need to buy soap. It would also be helpful to note that I am running low on shampoo as well. Picking that up while I was out buying soap would be the most effective way for me to solve both of these problems. So hopefully after someone reads this entry they will choose to ask me if I am in possession of replacement soap which would start my pilgrimage to the store to buy said soap and then, if they would have the decency, chose to wait ten minutes and call me again asking if I have picked up shampoo since, at that point, I should be in the cue at the checkout line with my soap having completely forgotten about the shampoo until the phone call which would remind me that I should make a shampoo purchase as well.
My life is a lot like the game Mouse Trap, if the marble dropping off the slide doesn't hit the level holding the diving man just right, he won't hit the cup, sending the ball doesn't the chute, knocking the pillar, and trapping the mouse. And if you're anything like me, you could never get Mouse Trap to work properly.
Hope that's not a bad sign.
Between the job, the gym, and now training Brazilian Ju-Jitsu three times a week, I've been having a hard time figuring out when to get any thoughts down on here. I seriously stand in a corner and scan documents all day with no access to internet or the outside world. I don't even have windows and normally I'm the only person in the office until 1:00 or 2:00pm. It gives me a lot of time to think but most my thoughts revolve around "why the f**k am I stuck scanning documents?!!"
I never want this to become a "This Is My Day" kind of site, so bear with me and I'll figure something out.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
MuxTapes!
I've been really f**king lazy lately.
Well, actually I've been working all day and hitting the gym then coming back and crashing so its not your usual definition of lazy. But lazy for all of you that check this thing and shake your fists in anger about me not writing.
I'm not changing that right now, I'm still figuring out when to write new columns. I have a shitload of new ideas because my job isn't too mentally tasking so it gives me a lot of time to think of oddball quirks of life. Though I can't complain, it is a paycheck. However I'm pretty sure my unemployment lasted long enough that when I go deposit my check, my bank will call me about suspicious activity on my account.
Another thing I want to pimp right now is a new site called MuxTape.com It's real simple and a great way to show your friends what you're really digging right now. I'm always looking for new music and I'm really picky so I encourage everyone to make one and send me the link. You can leave it in the comment section or if you want to impress me use smoke signals.
Is the art of smoke signals dead yet? Much like the waltz, it takes two people that know what they're doing in order to succeed, otherwise some guy is just ruining a perfectly good blanket.
Anyway, my Muxtape can be found at http://dmac1983.muxtape.com and I'll add it to the sidebar too. Right now its just a mix of songs I threw up there. I'm not your typical improv/comedy guy that's into inde music or a guy playing a jug and a harmonica but I'll try to keep it to things most people wouldn't stumble across on their own as much as I can.
And one of these days I'll figure out a time to write.
Well, actually I've been working all day and hitting the gym then coming back and crashing so its not your usual definition of lazy. But lazy for all of you that check this thing and shake your fists in anger about me not writing.
I'm not changing that right now, I'm still figuring out when to write new columns. I have a shitload of new ideas because my job isn't too mentally tasking so it gives me a lot of time to think of oddball quirks of life. Though I can't complain, it is a paycheck. However I'm pretty sure my unemployment lasted long enough that when I go deposit my check, my bank will call me about suspicious activity on my account.
Another thing I want to pimp right now is a new site called MuxTape.com It's real simple and a great way to show your friends what you're really digging right now. I'm always looking for new music and I'm really picky so I encourage everyone to make one and send me the link. You can leave it in the comment section or if you want to impress me use smoke signals.
Is the art of smoke signals dead yet? Much like the waltz, it takes two people that know what they're doing in order to succeed, otherwise some guy is just ruining a perfectly good blanket.
Anyway, my Muxtape can be found at http://dmac1983.muxtape.com and I'll add it to the sidebar too. Right now its just a mix of songs I threw up there. I'm not your typical improv/comedy guy that's into inde music or a guy playing a jug and a harmonica but I'll try to keep it to things most people wouldn't stumble across on their own as much as I can.
And one of these days I'll figure out a time to write.
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